


I'm broken and selfish - Tsukishima Kei

by Kishim (ItsumoMK)



Series: Love in Haikyuu [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 23:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3095825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsumoMK/pseuds/Kishim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima's story till the ending events of 'My sweet 16 - Yamaguchi Tadashi'.<br/>We find out what goes on in Tsukishima's mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The alien

I have been writing diaries since my first meeting with doctor Ishizuka. It was his idea. Writing my thoughts down should help me process them once again and should relieve my symptoms.

This is not a diary where I'm gonna write about my day this is the one I write about him...

* * *

 

I was the usual cheerful child. I was really into sports and enjoyed hanging around my brother Akiteru whenever I could. We would train together and sometimes I could join his volleyball practices. I admired his will to strive for best.

But then everything changed. Akiteru entered high school. He joined his schools volleyball team. I could not join the practices with him anymore and he had no time to train with me anymore. I wasn’t upset, I was proud. He wanted to be a regular player. But he could not. He became stressed and lied to me.

That’s when I found out how pointless it is to try your best at anything. Why bother to train hard if you’re going to fail anyways. Waste of time.

I stopped caring. I had no motivation to go out and train again. I had no motivation to go out at all. I locked myself in my room. I stopped going to school. My parents noticed the change but thought it’ll pass. Everything was okay in their eyes till I was hospitalized due to malnutrition after not leaving my room for a week. That was when I met doc Ishizuka.

On our meetings he made me sit on this ugly and uncomfortable chair. He asked me all sorts of questions about my family and school. After few sessions he diagnosed me with depression and gave me some pills. He also told me to start writing my thoughts down.

I was forced back to school. Catching up with the studies was not a problem for me. I used that as a distraction. Also after a much convincing from doc I joined the volleyball club. He saw it as a way to relieve my stress, based on the fact that I once loved playing. I saw it as a perfect way to torture myself.

It was around that time when I met him.

 

 

I was on my way to the next class when they stumbled on my way. Three boys were chasing this little terrified creature. The creature was small skinny boy. He had dark hair with one loose strand sticking up like an antenna. The look in his eyes was scared and he looked like he was about to cry. One of the bullies was calling him names and teased him saying his freckles looked like pimples. It was then when I first noticed the freckles. They were everywhere. On his face, on his neck, with his sleeves rolled up I could see some on his hands. I remember wondering if his whole body was covered with them. The boy did nothing, he just stood there and took the insults.

“Pathetic” The word was out before I could catch it. It was a side effect to my depression. I didn’t care about anything and that definitely included other people feelings. I said what was on my mind without a filter.

The word was meant for the small boy. But the bullies seemed to take it personally. They looked at me furious but none of them was brave enough to take a step. I had enough of this.

“Tsk, you’re on my way” I said looking town on them and took a step closer. The bullies decided to run off. The small boy just stared at me. I passed him and went to my class which, as I later learned, was the same as the boys’.

In some unknown reason the boy stared to follow me around. I ignored him as I did with all the other people. But it was not that easy, he was always looking at me and that made me uncomfortable. Already then I noticed his admiring look. He looked me like I was someone special, someone to look up to. I was not.

 

It was a day just like any other. I woke up, took my medicine, went for a jog, showered and went to school. I was already used to the fact that the boy was waiting for me on the corner of the street to go to school together, so when I noticed him at the usual place it was no surprise to me. It usually took some effort form the boy to keep up with me. So he usually walked behind me a few steps, but today he was much further and looked more out of breath. I did not slower my walk.

I was eating my lunch which was a bentou bought by my mother (she had stopped making lunches when my brother moved out) when the boy who had always followed me in a safe distance came up to my table. He looked nervous and about to collapse. It was obvious that he was sick. His face was red from the fever and I could feel his boy heat. I hoped that the cold he had would not pass onto me.

“Uhm what is your name?” the boy stuttered blushing, which made his face even redder than it was before. I could have just ignored the boy but I hoped that with answering him he would get over with this and just leave.

“Tsukishima Kei” The boy looked genuinely surprised to get any answer.

“M-mind if I eat with you Tsukki?” A hiccup caused him to shorten my name into this childish nickname which has stuck with me since then.

“I mean I wanted to thank you for helping me and I noticed that you always eat strawberry shortcake so I brought you one to thank you.” The boy had spoken so fast that he was out of breath now. He was panting.

“So thank you” the boy said and placed a tasty looking piece of cake in front of me. I was shocked. First of all the boy thought that I saved him from those bullies but in fact I had been insulting him at that moment. Second, how did he know that I like a strawberry shortcake. Yeah sometimes I eat it but not that often, I think. I don’t think anyone had noticed, not even my parents. And now came he, a total stranger and read me like an open book. It had been long since I had felt so many feelings. I was amused but at the same time confused, I felt frightened by the boys power to read me and I felt something that I could not name.

Thinking about all those things I had forgotten the boy. He just stood there waiting for an answer. He hadn’t taken my silence as a rejection like people normally would. I could not understand him or his objectives, he was like an alien for me with his little antenna. I had to say something.

“Sit down or go away. It creeps me out if you’re just standing there.” Those were my real thoughts at that time. He was so unreadable that it scared me. He stood still for a second processing my words. Then he lit up, a huge smile appeared on his face and he looked like he had just won something really good. It was so earnest, he was so earnest.

It became a thing. He would eat lunch with me and speak. He could speaks for hours about various things. When he spoke his face showed every emotion he felt. Sometimes he would use his hands to back up his words. He would sometimes shut up in the middle of a sentence and blush, realizing he had been blabbering. He often would apologize saying ‘sorry Tsukki’ for the simplest things.

 

I noticed it one morning. I was walking to school as usual. When I reached to the corner he was usually waiting for me, he wasn’t there. I got confused. I was so used him being there the opposite hadn’t even crossed my mind. For a second I didn’t know what to do. I ended up walking to school alone. On the way I realized that I had taken his presence as an obvious thing. He just appeared one day and now he was gone. And I felt empty and weird inside. What had he done?

The lesson had started and teacher was hanging out our tests, calling each student in front to receive theirs.

“Yamaguchi…”There was no answer from the class. ”Yamaguchi Tadashi!” He called again. “Does anybody know where Yamaguchi-san is?” The teacher looked at the class waiting for answer. Nobody answered.

“Okay it seems he is absent. Well the can anybody take this to him?” The teacher once again scanned the class with his eyes.

“Tsukishima- san maybe.” A girl in front of the class said. “I mean they are together all the time” she explained. The teacher looked at me, like so many others in class. I was confused. Why me I didn’t even know the guy. It took me few seconds to put the pieces together. I had to restrain myself quite a lot not to start laughing right there. I had been going to school, eating lunch and starting next week going to the same club with a guy whose name I didn’t know. I could win the Olympics for the most self-centered, egoistic person in the world. No I already had.

The teacher gave me his test and continued with the lesson. I had no idea what to do with it. I didn’t know where he lived. Was it far, was it close, what did his house look like, Did hi live with his parents, or grandparents, did he have siblings… I had never noticed that all the time he was speaking Yamaguchi never said a thing about himself. If I hadn’t been holding a test with his name on it I wouldn’t have had any proof that he existed.

The next day Yamaguchi was back. I didn’t ask what had happened and he didn’t say. From then on I started to notice him more I had this unhealthy need to understand him. To understand why would he spend his time with me. Soon he joined the volleyball club. He wasn’t very good but he was improving in a fast pace. Each day he was better than previous. He quickly became fascinated about volleyball. It was all he talked about.

For some reason Yamaguchi had decided to follow me forever. He entered same junior high as me and when he heard that I was planning to enter Karasuno High school for its volley club, he quickly made it his goal too.

As I learned about him I became more and more confused. I could not find a reason why a normal guy like him would want to hang out with me. Most of the time I was quiet and when I did open my mouth I was rude whoever I was talking to. It was my shell, my way of protecting myself. It was an invisible wall that he had walked through like it was air and it scared me the most.

 

 

 


	2. The invite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait. The good news is that all my exams are done now and I have all the time in the world to write again... For the next two weeks at least.   
> So I'm not really satisfied with this one. In my head Kei is so complicated, and that makes it hard to write. It'll get better... I hope. Also I try to make it short but it just keeps dragging...  
> To let you know my future plans I'm planning to write this one until it catches up with 'My sweet 16 - Yamaguchi Tadashi' and after that I plan one more work in the series of 'Love in haikyuu' that talks about Freckles and Kei.   
> Enjoy! (^.^)/
> 
> Ps: I'm writing this little intro for the third time already, 'cause the site has crashed twice on me...

Yamaguchi had always been a shy one. Blushing when he said or did something wrong. Always apologizing so much, that soon ‘sorry Tsukki’ became like a chant for me that I was used to hearing every day. He always kept his distance, in a physical sense, from me and from everybody else. That being the result of years of bullying. In most times his every move and word was well thought through. As a reflex he’d analyze everything trying to calculate the safest way even after the bullying had stopped.

The school was like a battle field for him. He’d always wait till the lesson had started to go to the bathroom and then be late for the class, just so he would not meet any bullies in there. When we would eat lunch he would keep checking his surroundings. Whenever someone would pass him too close he’d flinch. He’d often have weird letters in his locker. I never asked about it and Yamaguchi never said anything either. After some time the bullying lessened and Yamaguchi became more relaxed.

At the beginning of junior high things changed. He had new unfamiliar surroundings that already made him anxious but he was once again alone. We got separated into different classes. His nervousness was visible. He developed dark circles around his eyes from not sleeping and he barely ate anything at lunch breaks. With just a week he had lost much weight. Too much. He want talking blabbering like he used to. Seeing him like that made me worried for his life and I tried to be there for him as much as I could. I felt responsible for his state. If I hadn’t let him tag along before he wouldn’t have gotten used to a slightly safer surroundings. Sound that as bad as it does, he would have expected this situation and dealt with it better.

We always ate lunch together and sometimes he’d come to my class during the breaks. I could see the fear in his eyes each time he went back to his class. After school we went to volley club together, but even there he wasn’t himself anymore. He had lost all his energy from before. He could barely make it through the practice. Few times tried to talk to him but every time he’d say ‘sorry Tsukki’ and change the topic. Because of his vulnerable state he had become the perfect target for those assholes.

After two long weeks I had enough. I wasn’t going to watch him break mentally from the constant fear or worse, die from physical exhaustion. I decided that something needed to change. Since he was not talking to me, it was useless trying to convince him to talk to the teacher. So I went to the teacher myself and requested to be transferred to another class. His class. When asked why I said that I’m not comfortable studying next to the people in my class. The teacher tried to talk me out of it, but gave up after I stated that I was disgusted by my classmates and their childlike behavior. I was transferred. This was the only time I was thankful for my parents’ wealth and reputation.

Two things came out of my transfer:

First I became known as the guy who wasn’t just cold to everybody but also thought that he was too good to be studying with some certain people. I was the arrogant jerk living on mommy’s and daddy’s wealth thinking that it made me above the others. I didn’t mind though, that way people kept their distance from me.

The second thing was Yamaguchi. I think I’ll never forget his reaction when the teacher called me in the class and said that I was now transferred there. First he was surprised and failed to understand why I was there in the middle of the lesson. Then he became confused and failed to believe what the teacher had said. And finally when I had sat town he smiled. It was the brightest smile I had seen on his face. He instantly came back to life from his previous zombie like state.

His condition improved by day. He started to eat again and seemed determined to make up the lost weight by eating double of his usual lunch. The dark circles disappeared and he started to blabber again, which I maybe had missed a little. He would last throughout the practice and be all energetic after it.

I think it was soon after that when I realized it. I have to admit it took me some time to put all the pieces together…

Yamaguchi became a little… Bipolar. It is not the best word to use but it’ll have to do. He’d switch from being totally comfortable and relaxed to utterly nervous and controlled. It only happened when we were alone. Like on lunch breaks he’d be relaxed and comfortable enjoying his food and talking about random stuff when all of a sudden he’d look at me and blush. From ear to ear all those freckles on his cheeks would disappear into the redness. He then would say something short like ‘it doesn’t really matter’ and end the topic, staying quiet till the end of the break. He’d also look at me when he thinks I won’t notice. Sometimes during lessons he’d wonder off to his own world, daydreaming until the teacher would call out to him. At that time I wasn’t really thinking about it that much.

It was actually on another unusually hot day. We were walking home from practice, Yamaguchi was still excited and all smiley about a very good serve he had done. As we reached to the crossing where we would take a separate paths, Yamaguchi’s face fell. He looked at his path clearly disappointed of our time together ending, then he turned to me and forced a smile on his face.

“Well see you tomor…”

“You wanna come over to my place?” . I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it.

Yamaguchi’s mouth fell open from the surprise. Mine would have too if I wasn’t so used to not showing any emotions. I had no Idea why I had invited him. The question just came out of my mouth without me being able to catch it. I had never asked someone over to my house. Inviting friends over meant inviting them to my house and spending time in my room. I had never had that thought of letting somebody from school into my room. In fact I hated it. Even my parents don’t come into my room. It is a personal space just for me and now I myself was inviting somebody in. How was that possible?

Of course I could not take it back.

Yamaguchi’s face was red from embarrassment and he could not stop himself from smiling. His embarrassment for the thing made me feel awkward so I just turned around and started to walk, him quietly following me. He was so nervous, that he almost fell twice stumbling on his own feet. And he kept staring at the ground, face still red. ‘What on earth was going on in that head of his?’ I thought to myself.

As we reached my house I stopped to open the gate, Yamaguchi still staring ground in front of him, did not notice it and walked into me.

“Watch where you’re going.” I snapped at him. Not because I was angry at him, because his nervousness made me nervous and I did not like the feeling.

“Sorry Tsukki” he quietly apologized, still not looking at me. Which made it worse.

“Stop being so nervous. It’s not like I’m forcing you to come. You don’t have to if you don’t want.” Some part of me really hoped that he’d turn around and walk away. But obviously it did not happen.

“I do!” he almost yelled that out to me.

“Whatever” I entered the house. I didn’t bother to call out ‘I’m home’ because I knew that there wouldn’t be anyone home to answer me.

“Excuse me” Yamaguchi quietly said while shyly entering.

“Don’t bother, there isn’t anyone home anyway”

“Eh! Okay”

As I was taking off my shoes it hit me. I had never had anyone over. I had no idea what to do. What was I supposed to do next? Yamaguchi just stood there waiting me to say something.

“Upstairs, first door to the left. I’m gonna get us something to drink.”

“Do you need any help?” He asked.

Hell yeah. You could just tell me what the fuck to people do when they visit each others’ houses. Or how long until it is okay to send you home?

“No.”

“Uhh okay”

As I headed to the kitchen to get the drinks he went upstairs. I got us two bottles of water from the fridge and headed upstairs too. Stopping for a second behind the door to my room feeling a little bit nervous.

“Why the hell are you nervous, it is your room” I whispered to myself and entered.


	3. Love!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in such a short time OMG!... Wait the second one is short as hell...  
> Yeah I know... I should have put those two together but I didn't know that the third cp was going to be so short. :(   
> I'm sorry.   
> But I was on the writingwave and now I think that I have about one cp left of this Kei story. One loooong cp.   
> So wait for it and meanwhile...  
> Enjoy!

Where on earth do you find a person who says ‘I think your dinosaur figures collection is so cute’. Apparently standing in the middle of my room. I’m not even sure how I feel about his statement. I’m relieved that he didn’t laugh at me but same time troubled by the word ‘cute’. I look at Yamaguchi in suspicion and throw him his bottle of water. He eagerly drinks it grateful for the cooling effect. So do I.

Somehow seeing Yamaguchi in my room quietly inspecting it, sometimes asking a question or two about the object in front of him, calmed me down. He was not nervous anymore, in fact he looked like he belonged here. And that made me calm down. I unconsciously had been worried that after I let him inside my room he’d want to run to the other side.

It’s not like there is some terrifying stuff in my room. It is quite normal looking: a desk with a computer on it, a bed, a bookcase, closet and a TV with gaming console. But on the bookcase there are some shelves containing books, mostly about dinosaurs, and some containing dinosaur figures. I had always been interested in dinosaurs and their origin. There weren’t many people who knew about my interest in dinosaurs and those who did would just look past it. I didn’t care.

But Yamaguchi seemed interested. He went from one to another asking me about its name and other things. I wasn’t sure if he was interested in dinosaurs because I was or because he really was but I didn’t care I gladly educated him.

“What do you want to do next?” I asked him after I had told him the name of my latest figure.

“Uhm we could do our homework.”

“Alright, but I’m gonna change my shirt first. I’ve been sweating all day.” I would have never guessed what something so simple could reveal. As I was looking for a clean T-shirt form the closet I noticed him. Yamaguchi was staring my bare upper body. We had seen each other naked before at school before and after practice but this time it was different. Yamaguchi had never actually looked at me in the clubroom. He’d always change quickly and head out to before others. I always thought he was shy, but there was nothing shy in his eyes now. There was… desire. His eyes were fixated on my bare chest and abs yarning for more.

Then he suddenly noticed me noticing him. He quickly turned away. I could see his ears turning red from embarrassment.

“Uhm could I use the toilet?” he asked. It took me a second to answer him.

“Yeah, end of the hall and to the right“

Yamaguchi quickly exited the room leaving me standing there in shock. I had never seen him like that. So strong, full of want. At that moment I realized that he had been acting like a maiden in love for a while daydreaming and blushing and now he looks at me with eyes like that.

Yamaguchi Tatashi, that small and pathetic alien, with freckles like stars on his face was in love with me.

WHY!?

In my world there was no reason I could think of why he would like me. I didn’t even like me.

I was sitting on my bed homework in front of me still contemplating on why he’d like me when Yamaguchi came back from the bathroom. I acted like nothing had happened and so did he. After we finished our homework we played some games and then Yamaguchi went home.

At that night I stayed up late thinking of reasons why Yamaguchi would like me. It bothered me because most people saw me as rude and not friendly. Not to mention boring. I barely talked to anybody. But some unknown reason Yamaguchi had stayed with me all this time. And fromme the beginning the way I was didn’t seem to bother him. I concluded that Yamaguchi was a strange alien who was also a masochist and liked me probably because of my looks, because my personality was trash.

Soon Yamaguchi coming over became a thing he said that doing homework at my place helps him understand better. I never acted on my knowledge of him liking me. If he didn’t want to say anything then I had no reason to. I was satisfied with the relationship we had and clearly I was not interested in him that way.

Or so I thought.

 


	4. Selfish keeper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! The final cp. And it's long... It took me forever... Not literally, but writing so much without posting is quite hard. And because it is my first time having a cp written not in one day and one go I am sorry for little differences in styles... I write differently during night and day.  
> Well this cp will finish Keis' pov. As you have already noticed it is kinda like a diary style, which for me is really hard to write. And therefore I'm also sorry for weirdness in the tenses (specially in this cp)... Even after ten years of English lessons I still feel a little at loss sometimes.  
> Next project of mine is "Get Freckles and Kei together and make them do some adult stuff" (^.^)  
> I am one of those persons who wakes up in the middle of a night, opens laptop and starts to write. Mistakes guaranteed. Also I realized that as I write I just miss some mistakes, because I have been working with the story too long. So I decided that I need some beta readers and because of some very well known reasons I can't ask my friends, so I'm asking you! I think that one or two are enough. So If you're interested leave me your e-mail in comments. I'll contact you. 
> 
> Meanwhile enjoy!
> 
> UPTATE: Next part is out [HERE](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3334121)

Nothing went as I was expecting. Nothing what so ever…

When we entered Karasuno High I expected Yamaguchi to be out of his element once again. I thought he’d freak out and be afraid like last time, so I prepared myself. But to my surprise Yamaguchis’ reaction was quite normal. He was nervous, but on the level that every new first year is. Loss of sleep or appetite didn’t happen and he was almost his usual self. If not to say better…

What surprised me most was how fast and easily he befriended Karasunos’ volleyball team. He fitted right in. Around the team his fear of other people or need to protect himself disappeared. He instantly connected with the team members. That had never happened before.

I, on the other hand became distant and voluntarily left out.

What pissed me off about Yamaguchi was the fact that he obviously wanted to hang out with the team after practice, but each time he’d choose me. Whenever he had the choice to go out to eat with the team or hang around me he’d choose me. But every time he’d make this face. That slightly sad face with forced smile. When I saw it I wanted to jell out ‘go and do what you want, I’m fine without you’, but I never did. Instead, after a while, I stared to hang around with the team so Yamaguchi would not have to choose.

Of course hanging around toss-me!-shorty Hinata and never-shut-up Nishinoya was depressing. Their limitless will and want to be better was frustrating. But I have to say, it wasn’t all that bad I could work off my frustration on king-of-the-court Kageyama. Teasing him was the sun in my day. But not for long.

He got better. They all did. The King learned to play in a team, Hinata learned… to play, not just move on instinct. After Asahi returned Nishinoya calmed down too. And Yamaguchi he was there improving and communicating with others. I on the other hand was standing still.

I became more frustrated by day, thinking how pathetic I was. The worst thing was that I started to push away Yamaguchi. I could not stand his blabbering anymore. I hated his always smiling face. I wanted to get away from him, I wanted him to leave me alone so I pushed him away. But he always returned and that made things worse.

Seeing him every day was painful. I was jealous of him. He did what I probably never can. He got better. I think some part of why did I accepted Yamaguchi following me around in the first place was that he was like me. Not belonging there and broken inside. But now he had a place to belong and friends there with him.

I could have just walked away. Tell him to get lost and have fun with his new friends, but I didn’t. Because I was afraid… I was afraid losing the only connection to the world I had. During those years that Yamaguchi had been around he’d become a life line for me. I had lost all my ability to normally communicate with people and he was like a transmitter between others and me. I was afraid to lose that connection. I was afraid to lose him. So I said nothing, hoping these feeling will pass.

That is how we get to todays’ events. November 10. Yamaguchis’ birthday.

As I walked out of my house to go to school I already knew it’ll be cold outside. Last night I had gone out shopping and already then it had been cold. But what surprised me was the ice. It was everywhere. I tuck my hands in my pockets and headed to school.

As I was walking I remembered yesterdays’ talk with Nishinoya and Hinata. We had just finished practice and were cleaning up when somehow the topic of Nishinoyas’ and Hinatas’ talk went to birthdays. They were discussing when the next birthday in the team was going to happen. Main thing was they wanted to have a party. Suddenly Nishinoya turned to me.

* * *

 

“Hey Tsukishima when’s your birthday?”

“September 27th” I say extremely pleased with the fact it had passed already without those two knowing.

“Huh, damn” Nishinoya whines.

“What about Yamaguchi?” Hinata suddenly asks.

“Why are you asking me?” I say quickly. Thinking why didn’t I just say the date.

“Well you two are always together and you’re friends, so you must know” Hinata explains.

Of course I do. But somehow I’m reluctant to tell. If I tell them they’re going to blow it up, probably organize something and I can’t… Can’t what? Spend the day pretending it is as any other, with the exception of me paying for Yamaguchis’ food and him choosing the game we would play. We have never celebrated each others’ birthdays. But I have always known when Yamaguchis’ was, it being result of my need to understand the boy, by finding out everything I could about him, on the early days of our friendship.

“November 10th” I finally say. Still wondering why was it so hard to say.

“Eh but that’s…” Hinata yells out. Nishinoya is barely able to stop him, before Yamaguchi, who is now walking towards us, notices.

“Lets talk about that later” Nishinoya whispers and they continue cleaning.

* * *

 

Later that night I got a mail from Nishinoya saying that tomorrow after practice we will all pretend to go eating out as usual, but in fact we’re going to celebrate Yamaguchis’ birthday. My job was to make sure Yamaguchi agrees to go out to eat with everybody.

So as I was walking to school I was wondering how the hell I’m gonna make Yamaguchi go to that party. He is always following me around... Then it hit me. I just have to _go_ … _What a pain_ I thought.

As I reached to the crossing where I and Yamaguchi usually meet he was already there waiting as always. Seeing him reminded me my reluctance to tell his birthday to others the day before. I still hadn’t found any reason for it. Also I was reminded of the fact that I had to go to a party, and just the thought made my stomach ache.

At that morning I realized that seeing Yamaguchi walking on icy path was not something I enjoyed. Most people got used to walking on ice after some time, but his every step was more awkward than the previous. On top of that he himself looked totally unaware of his lack of balance. So the inevitable happened. He slipped. Luckily I had been walking closer to him than I usually do and was able to catch him before he fell.

“Sorry Tsukki” he apologized.

“Whatever. Just be careful I don’t want you to fall and crack your head open and die on me today.” _Or any other_ I thought. But dying on ones birthday by slippery ice was quite horrible. For a second I thought what could have happened if I hadn’t caught Yamaguchi. As I imagined the worst case scenario, a cold chill ran down my spine. I decided not to think about it.

Not an easy thing to do when every time I’d look at him the picture of him laying on a cold ground, eyes closed and skin all white, came up. _Yeah right thing to think about on his birthday_ I thought to myself.

During the practice Nishinoya and Hinata could not have been more obvious. Whispering all the time. I was sure Yamaguchi noticed them, but was just unaware they were talking about him.

After the practice had ended and everybody were ready to leave Suga-san came up to us.

“Hey we’re all going out to eat. Wanna come too?” He asked. I noticed Nishinoya staring at me from the distance. So this was where I had to play my part.

“Okay” I answered before Yamaguchi could open his mouth. I turned around and started to walk before Yamaguchi could ask something and knowing him he would.

Soon we arrived at a café Nishinoya had picked. Well café was a nice thing to call it. It was an eating place which, to my terror, had a small dancing space. The people behind counters seemed depressed enough to not pay any attention to what their customers did after getting their food. Which was quite terrifying considering the fact that we had Nishinoya and Hinata with us. Knowing them something was bound to happen.

We all managed to fit ourselves around one table and started to order food. Suddenly Yamaguchi, who was sitting right next to me, leaned closer to me. At that moment I noticed the scent. All I could think of was -what was that scent? It was gentle but fresh. Just like a spring day after a heavy rain.

Hey, are you alright?” he asked whispering. _Yeah as soon as I find out what smells so good._

“I’m fine. Why?” I answered. Still trying to find out the source of that scent, same time pretending to concentrate on the menu I was holding.

“I don’t know. You have been weird all day” He answered. That caught my attention. Had I been weird? Wasn’t I always weird? Had I been somehow different today?

“Weird how?” I asked, still pretending to check the menu, not to look too eager to find out the answer.

“Eh?” Yamaguchi seemed to be confused about my question. Well he started it.

“Uhm… I don’t know. For example you have been… uhm.” He seemed to struggle finding the right word. I had been what?

“..Nice. I mean not that you are rude all the time but…” But I was. I was rude all the time. Had I been _nice_ today? What did it even mean?

“And you are not…” Yamaguchi continued. _Oh there is more_ I thought. But this time Yamaguchi seemed nervous to end his sentence. He started to play with hem of his shirt, a habit he had when he was nervous. I looked at him ready to take anything that was coming. Or so I thought.

First thing that I noticed was that it had been Yamaguchi all along. He was the one smelling so good. I had the urge to lean in and smell him?! It didn’t help that he was staring his hands and blushing so that even his ears were pinkish. I unconsciously started to lean in, but stopped as he started to talk again. Next words came out as whisper, each one quieter than the previous.

“… Not looking at me.”

That came as a surprise. _Just now was I going to lean in and smell him…? Wait! I was not looking at him? Was I usually looking at him? What did he mean ‘look at’? How did I look at him? What?_ Those were all the questions going around in my head.

He had caught me so off guard that I was not able to collect myself in time and hide my surprise. He hesitantly looked up. We stared at each other. There were too many thing going around in my mind and him looking up at me shyly through his eyelashes, cheeks flushed with red did nothing better than just made my heart race. Why?

Suddenly I noticed movement behind Yamaguchi. I looked in terror at the thing Nishinoya was holding. It was huge pink cake. Probably strawberry. Suddenly there was only one thought in my head ‘if they really knew Yamaguchi, they’d now his favourite flavour is chocolate’. He always ate strawberry just because I like it.

Next was the whole team singing happy birthday. I just waited till the others were done. After the song Yamaguchi had to make a wish blow out the candles as Nishinoya insisted. Once again if he had known Yamaguchi and his ability to make even the simplest thing dangerous, when he was nervous, he would never have let Yamaguchi near that cake. I was ready to crab first thing that contained water, in this case a vase from nearby table, to extinguish any fire outbreak. Also I was ready to save Yamaguchi incase he’d fall onto the cake. Luckily nothing like that happened.

As Suga was cutting the cake, Hinata and Nishinoya started to apologize to Yamaguchi for not having any presents. Nishinoya was even able to blurt out that I was the one who informed them about the birthday.

I do have to give some credit to Hinata. He always manages to amaze me with the ability to make the King feel uncomfortable. So do this time. During their ever-so-usual bickering Hinata shoved a spoonful of cake into the Kings’ mouth. Seeing how embarrassed he became because of this little act, was a pleasure. Nothing better than to see the Kings’ embarrassed face.

My time of enjoyment was short. Tanaka came back, from where ever he had gone, and not empty handed. I knew what it was even before captain came in to check. I had my hopes up, that Daichi would not let some minors drink like this in public. But when I saw Suga, I knew it was decided. What on earth did Suga have, that made Daichi obey him?

When the drinks were handed out Nishinoya held a little speech about Yamaguchi. After which everybody continued to eat cake and drink. I was not going to drink. Not after I saw how fast whatever it was in the glass worked on Hinata and Nishinoya. Before anyone could stop them they headed to the small dancing area and started to do something… It was a weird movement that could hardly be called dancing.

Asahi tried to stop them, but was pulled to the dancefloor by Nishinoya. Hinata found himself left out so he decided to go after the King. As Hinata was coming back to our table I was amused to see the King desperately trying to hide himself. The horror in his eyes was so sincere that I may have felt sorry for the poor guy.

Luckily for the King Hinata was distracted by a piece of cake left on the table. He seemed to like that cake very much. And soon it became clear, that he liked it too much. Suddenly Hinata was not able to hold in all that cake he had eaten and the booze he had drank. Next thing I know the King is frozen by shock of Hinata vomiting on him. I just could not hold my laughter.

Yamaguchi scolded me for laughing but I just could not help it. As Yamaguchi went to get some towels I watched Hinata trying his best to clean the King with tissues at the same time apologizing. He might have made things worse. Kageyama on the other had was now shaking. I think the shock was too much for him. He glared at Hinata and I was sure he’s going to hit him or at least yell at him.. Hinata noticed it and backed away from him.

“Hey, I’m really sorry. Okay?” He apologized looking seriously worried now.

“Just don’t… Stay where you are” Kageyama said taking a deep breath to calm himself down. There was something between those two I could not put my finger on.

Next moment Suga came back, from wherever he and Daichi had gone, with towels. He helped Kageyama clean himself while Hinata was still apologizing. It was also decided that the party was over.

I found out what was the thing between the King and Hinata when we exited the café. Hinata was begging to spend the night at the Kings’. But that was not the surprising part, at least not at first. Sleep overs were a normal thing. But the the small orange haired boy went and kissed the King. His whole face went red, he grabbed Hinata and dashed off. I was not sure what did I just witness, but as Daichi said apparently ‘young love’.

While I and the others were heading home I could not get it out of my head. The king and Hinata were in a relationship. They seemed to hate each other at one moment and then to their weird play next. Those two together. It seemed impossible but at the same time the most logical thing in the world. Suddenly Hinatas’ remark about the Kings bed being more comfortable than his, became a disgusting thought.

All of a sudden Suga noticed that in all this mess he had forgotten his bag at the café. It was decided that he and Daichi would go back for it. I, Yamaguchi, Asahi and Nishinoya, who was too excited about the small amount of snow, stayed behind to wait for them.

I hated the snow. It just made the ice under it more dangerous. I was not sure if Yamaguchi was going to reach home alright or not. _Maybe I should send him home tonight..._ I was so lost in thought that I noticed Nishinoya throwing snowball after it hit Asahi. I was not pleased to learn that the ball was aimed at me. Luckily Nishinoya had already found a new interest, a nearby park. In his state it took him some time and a fall to reach it. Asahi decided to follow the drunk boy, leaving me and Yamaguchi there alone.

Just standing there I had no idea what to say. The whole night had been one awkwardness after another. But at that moment silence was even more awkward. So I decided that then and there was as good as any other time and place.

“Uhm, I wanted to…”

“We’re back” I was interrupted by Suga and Daichi who had returned. _Later_ I thought.

They asked about Nishiniya and Asahi. Yamaguchi gave them a short explanation and volunteered to go after them. I’m not sure how far did those two get but it took Yamaguchi some time to get back. When he did he looked a little upset. Nishinoya and Asahi were quietly following him, both blushing. When Suga asked what had happened, Yamaguchi gave a short ‘nothing’ as answer in a tone that said this topic was over. What had happened?

When I and Yamaguchi parted with the others on a crossroad, Yamaguchi seemed to relax. I walked in front of him, secretly checking the ground so when there is a slippery area I could warn him. I was so concentrated on the ground that I didn’t notice Yamaguchi crouch down. Suddenly something hit me in the back of my head.

It took me a second to understand what had just happened. When I turned around I saw Yamaguchi standing in a shock ready to pass out. He had been more surprised by his actions than I was. As I was about to ask him why, he started to apologize, unable to correctly make up a sentence. I just could not take an apology at that moment because there was nothing to apologize for. He thought I would be mad but instead I was pleased if not to say a little happy. Yamaguchi had always treated me as someone special, someone better then him. This is the first time he’d behave like I was normal. I was not going to let this moment slip so easily, I was not going to let him apologize.

Without much thinking I crouched down made a snowball and threw it. He was so surprised that he couldn’t even dodge. The ball hit him right in the face, not the place I was aiming at though. I wasn’t going to let him rest. Before he could recover from the first ball I was already getting a new one. I was going to give him what he wanted. War.

The snowball fight was the most fun I had had in ages. Soon we would serve and receive balls just like in volleyball. Yamaguchi was running after another ball when he slipped. First thing that went through my mind was my imaginative picture from the morning. I watched in horror how he fell unable to even move.

When I had control over my limbs once again I rushed over to him. But before I could even get there Yamaguchi started to laugh. I wasn’t sure if it was a good sign or a bad one.

“Haha, I’m worse than Nishinoya. I mean I’m not even that drunk anymore.” He said laughing. That’s what he was worried about.

“Hey that’s not funny, you could have gotten seriously hurt. What if you…” _hit your head and died_ I wanted to say but I was interrupted by Yamaguchi.

“I can see a star!” He yell, making me jump from the sudden loudness of his voice.

“What?” I couldn’t even imagine how the stars were connected to all of this. Did he mean the one that cartoon characters see?

“Tsukki look another one!” he yell and pointed to the sky. I should have known. Yamaguchi and his interest in stars. Something I learned one time when he stayed over too long. When he started to go home it was dark already. The first thing he said exiting my house was ‘Tsukki I can see a star’. The entire walk home he probably looked at the sky. That’s the reason I got him that too. And even now when he could have just gotten seriously hurt or even something worse, he only thinks about the starts.

“I can see stars every day.” I say, not knowing why.

“Oh come on Tsukki no you can’t! What if it rains?” Yamaguchi argued. He was quite talkative today.

“They’re on your face” I only whispered. Oh god what was wrong with me today. I was not supposed to tell him about that.

“What are you talking about? Tsukki did you have too much to drink?” I had none what so ever. Just from the first day I saw you, I have thought that…

“Y-your freckles… They remind me stars.” He was never supposed to know that each time I look at his face I see constellations. Or the fact that I have a theory that his interest for the stars is probably because he is an extraterrestrial creature with his own little antenna sticking up his head and he is here to learn about humans and I am just a test subject. It would explain a lot.

“Really… They do? Wow…” He whispered. That’s it, I can’t blame him for running away anymore. Now he knew how weird I can get. It’d be only normal for him to run away now. But he just keeps laying in the snow smiling. _Yeah an alien_ I thought before offering him a hand to get up. If he stays there on the ground any longer he’ll catch a cold. He just stares at me.

“You’ll catch a cold if you stay like this” I really had to say it out so he’d get up.

As he got up he looked at his left hand and flinched in pain. It was already swollen. It looked bad.

“We should get going, you need some ice.” The faster we get some ice on that hand the better, I thought. I started walking towards Yamaguchis’ place but stopped as I didn’t hear him following me. I looked back and saw him taking some snow and placing it on his hand.

“Ice” he said to me. Then I realized how dumb I had been. There is snow everywhere, Ice everywhere…

“Whatever.” I say feeling embarrassment creeping up. I turned around and started walking again, this time Yamaguchi right behind me.

As we were closing up on Yamaguchis’ house, I thought now or never. I had never given him a real present, so I was not sure how to do it. I stopped walking and faced him.

“Uhm you never actually said anything so I thought that… “ I started, but realized that maybe it was my ignorance about all that birthday stuff, which caused me never giving a present to him. Seeing how Nishinoya and the others held a party for him in just one day, without Yamaguchi himself knowing, made me think that maybe it was my job as a friend or something to celebrate his birthday, not to wait till he says something. Which never happened.

“Never mind. Here.” I held out a box to him. In it wasn’t anything special. Few days ago I had seen this constellation projector in a store and last night I want and bought it. So he could see starts anytime…Like I did.

“Happy birthday… Or something.” I said. Wishing him happy birthday after all those years was more embarrassing than I thought. I could feel my face burning with blush. Yamaguchi stared at the box like it was something really special.

“I love You” Yamaguchi said after a minute leaving me stunned. I could not think let alone speak.

“I-I didn’t… I mean not like...” He started, but could not finish. He was staring at the box in his hands. I knew he was about to cry.

I reached for his face, gently pulling it upwards. I wanted him to look at me.

“I know Tadashi.” His eyes were filled with fear and tears. I gently swiped away a single tear that had escaped, thinking _don’t cry, not because of me_. He was so strong, not like me…

“I know…”

 

* * *

 

And now I’m here in the safe embrace of my room, thinking how selfish I had been. I never thought how Yamaguchi must have felt. All these years when I knew he liked me, he had to keep it a secret. All the time being afraid. I had become the person, whom he had searched refuges from. I was the bully. I knew and I did nothing, and now, when Yamaguchi himself finally admitted liking me, what did I?

I said ‘I know’.

After all those years his confession was still a surprise to me. In some part of my mind I wondered that since he hasn’t said anything, maybe he got over of his feelings for me, or maybe there never were any and I just imagined it. But now that he said it I feel like I had been crushed by something.

I feel disgust for myself. I, the person who all these years pretended that I knew nothing and let him live in fear of being found out, do not deserve him. I do not deserve his friendliness, his loyalty, his trust, above all I don’t deserve his years and years lasting love.

What does he see in me?

His eyes tonight… They were so full of fright. What was he afraid of? Me? Was he afraid that I would be mad at him, or that I’d feel disgusted?

Wait! How do I feel about it? Years ago, when I first found out, I didn’t think much about what meant to be in love, or in a relationship. I was selfish enough to think that because his feelings were one sided I did not need to think about it. But now… I mean I know how it goes between man and a woman and I have lived long enough to know how things work between men. So is this how Yamaguchi sees me? Does he look at me like that? I still remember his eyes that day. So full of desire. He had to keep it all to himself. Hide it.

It must have been hard for him to be near me. To be so close to someone you love, but never actually close. But he seemed to be fine just the way he was… He seemed to just want to hang around me, eat lunch with me, walk home along side me. Was it enough for him? Is that what love is? To just be near that person and not to lose him?

But aren’t I the same. I’m still afraid that one day Yamaguchi chooses someone over me. That someday I’ll eat lunch alone again, walk home alone again. I thought that I needed him to be the transmitter between me and the world, but I don’t care about the world. I never have. Does it mean that I actually care about him?

Tadashi…

I don’t really understand why did I use his first name tonight. At that time I just wanted to tell him that it is okay. That everything is fine and he doesn’t have to be so afraid… Not of me. The name just slipped out. I just wanted him to believe me. The next moment of course I realized what an ass I had been all those years, torturing him just because I was comfortable with things the way they were, and I ran. I walked away. Not looking back.

I bet he cried.

I’m not worth a single tear. Definitely not his.

I know how broken I am. I see normal people everywhere. They interact with each other without being rude. They have life goals and they work to achieve those. I can’t find a reason to function. I feel that everything I do I so pointless. Why bother if we all die one day anyway? The only reason I wake up in the morning to go to school is because I know that…

…Tadashi is waiting for me…

Wait! When did ‘him waiting for me in the morning’ become ‘me going to see him’? When did ‘he following me’ became ‘me waiting for him’?

How stupid and blind can I be? Isn’t that a reason? Reason to function, to get up, to go on. When did Tadashis’ presence start to heal me and…

…When did I start to fall for him?

I have never seriously thought about the future. Most things come easy for me so I don’t see any reason to fuss about it. But somehow every glimpse of future I have he is always there. Right beside me. But that’s not true isn’t it. Not the way we are going now.

In few years we will graduate and go separate ways. We have to grow up. Go to university or find a job. We won’t be kids anymore. What will happen to us then? What do I want to happen?

I can’t imagine my future without him there. I know that’s selfish and that he could find someone who would appreciate him the way he deserves, but I just can’t give up on him… I have to make it right… Somehow.

I have to tell him!

 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I said that I won't write this not before February but... I can't help my fingers. They demand a story being written. Also it is a healthy way to not study ^.^  
> I'm a horrible and weak person...  
> Well Hope you like the little view inside Tsukishima's head.  
> I can't guarantee any consistency with this one and I have no idea when next chapter is coming out... Maybe tomorrow... maybe next month...  
> As always forgive me for typos and other correction needing stuff.  
> Enjoy!


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